~~So Very Torn--Life Post~~

NOTE--I am very sorry the chapter of For Love of Minecraftia was late. I was away.

What the hell do I do, my lovely readers?

Where do I go from this point forward? Hell, can I do ANYTHING? I know you won't be able to understand. I do know you won't be able to forgive me. I'm sorry! I swear i didn't...mean for this to happen. I just wanted someone to be happy. I didn't care if it was me. I just couldn't say no. I couldn't walk away. I couldn't go back to being alone. I couldn't turn away from someone who might be able to get at least some of this numbness away from me. I can't breathe. I can't believe I've done this. I can't believe I messed up this badly.

I am so sorry. Everyone that knows Justin....I'm sorry. I don't expect you guys to forgive me for what I need to do. Or what I...might need to do.

I'm going to give everyone some backstory.

On December 25th, 2013, my online older brother Shawn and I started dating. We were up talking until almost five am. Stepha almost hit on him using her Chatango profile (Childishdreamer1881) and I mentioned that to Shawn. We promptly friend-zoned each other, because neither of us were entirely sure we could do this. Not too long later, we ended up deciding we really might as well and started dating. I have never had a single regret since.

Of course, Shawn and I had been friends for around three years. Okay. More like four. I can't even remember how long we've known each other. He'd been my big brother for a long time.

Seeing as this is ME, there were a lot of difficulties when we first started dating. A lot of hardships and decisions that had to be made. I worried a lot. Got stressed a lot. I can't exactly discuss these issues with you, though--and I'm sure you can understand why. Some secrets need to be kept, and I was sworn to secrecy. (No. I am not in danger. No. I have not broken the law. No. I was not hurt.)

And then I...fell in love with Justin.

When we first met, I'd known that Justin and I definitely had chemistry. I knew that there was a huge change of something major happening.

But I also knew I wasn't quite ready for it.

I haven't felt/understood love for a very long time. I haven't known what it's like, or what to do about it if it shows up. I can't believe in it. I can't go through it. I keep getting hurt, and I don't want to be hurt ever again. I feel like I'm losing myself. Hell, I HAVE lost myself. I don't understand anything!

I can't do this anymore.

I'm sick and tired and upset.

My world is hurting me.

So, Shawn showed up on Friday night. Meeting him was pretty amazing, actually. My family and I went out to a comedy stand-up show, and Shawn--who had started HITCH HIKING at noon--texted me ten minutes into it saying he'd showed up at a Tim Horton's and was now lost. Instead of letting him try and make it all the way home, we insisted he waited at that Tim Horton's.

LONGEST. TWO. HOUR. SHOW. EVER.

And then it was the longest ride to the Tim Horton's I've ever taken. And guess what.

IT WAS THE WRONG TIM HORTON'S.

Another twenty minutes.

I arrive at the right Tim Horton's. There's a guy wearing a black trench coat, a hat pulled over his face, and a scarf covering the other half. He has a large black backpack and a walking stick that bears a close resemblance to a wooden sword.

It's late at night. It's cold. It's dark.

He looks EXACTLY like the kind of person you don't want to meet in a dark alleyway.

So, I open the door and jump out.

I run into his arms, hug him tightly, and almost knock him over.

And guess what?

THANK THE GODS THAT WAS ACTUALLY HIM.

I had...the best and most confusing time with him.

Of course, he promptly went through my phone that same night and realized I was dating Justin--and had been planning to break up with Shawn FOR Justin.

Okay.

Ow.

I feel like a huge bitch. I AM a huge bitch. I really shouldn't have done any of that.

Shawn hitch hiked for eight hours just to find out his girlfriend was cheating on him.

Gah. I'm never going to forgive myself for this one, and I shouldn't. It isn't fair to anyone. I'm a spoiled brat. I crave attention. I'm a damned idiot!

I'm a freaking BAKA.

So many other things happened during this visit with Shawn. Things both good, and bad. He gave me an awesome teddy bear. We watched a lot of YouTube videos and started playing Wizardry Online. (I might end up adding my character name to my Contact page. Which I only just realized I didn't have. Thanks for mentioning it, person who nominated me for the Liebster Award! I'll accept that award tonight.)

I love Shawn.

I love Justin.

I'm confused, people.

It'd be wrong to ask for advice....I'm so sorry.

I am so very sorry.

Shawn is leaving this morning. He might have already begun hitch-hiking back home.

He met all of my friends and he seems to like all of them. I'm really glad they like him, too.

I am so very sorry.

I'm...going to try and figure out what to do. If Shawn, when he visits next, finds ANY evidence of me cheating--he will walk and never return. I don't want to take that chance.

I will try and post more again. I'm sorry I was gone so long, everyone....

I'm sorry.

Nikai tibitomaka,

Half-Mad Writer

PS: Justin, I'm sorry you had to find out this way....I'm sorry for everything....