Tuesday, January 28, 2014

~~I Need~~

I need more than you can give,
So won't you expect less of me?
I need more than empty promises.

I need to know it's real,
So won't you show me the truth?
I need to know you feel for me, too.

I need to understand you,
So won't you show me proof?
I need to understand why you do this to me.

You can't make me believe
The things you're telling me.
You can't make me believe you're a monster.

I can't breathe if you do this to me,
So won't you give me some time away?
I can't breathe if you're forcing this on me.

Please let me go.

~~I Wish I Could Say~~

I wish I could say I believed you, when
You turn to me and say you love me.
I wish I could say I thought it was true.

I wish I knew how I could tell you
That I always knew it was lies.
I wish I knew how to leave you.

I wish I could stay, but there's
Too much you can't explain.
I wish I could stay without needing more.

There are no flowers this time,
Just these broken pieces of glass.
There are no flowers as I walk to your side.

I'm not ready to turn, not ready to tell
You how it haunts me.
I'm not ready to turn away.

I wish I could show you how I feel
When you tell me to trust you.
I wish I could show you how much this hurts me.

I wish you knew how this hurts me--
How you hurt me every day.
I wish you knew how much I really love you.

There are no other reasons this time,
Just the fact that I can't make it alone.
There are no other saving graces.

I wish I could say that all this was worth
The suffering you keep putting me through.
I wish I could say that I'm done with you.

I wish I could understand why
I run to you when it just causes me pain.
I wish I could understand why you treat me so.

I wish I knew how to help you
Through everything I'm making you do.
I wish I knew whether or not you spoke true.

There are no promises you can make
To undue the things you've done.
There are no promises I can believe you'll keep.

I wish I could forgive you
For hurting me like this.
I wish I could say that I don't love you.

I love you so much, even though
You hurt me this way, make me stressed.
I love you so much more than I should.

I need you, despite everything
I'm losing by swearing myself to you.
I need you, despite all this pain.

There are no other choices but to stay
Here and just hope for the best.
There are no other choices but to say, "I do."

Thursday, January 23, 2014

~~Variations on a Common Theme: A Free Verse Story~~

Twisting, twining--vines of smoke reach to the sky.
Ash-black eyes blink at the moon.
A laugh--where did it come from? How cruel it was!--
Sounds on the bitterly distant bay.

A sailor, perched atop an ancient mast,
Gazes down upon the abyss-empty, calling water.
He whispers a name to the wind
As small stars twinkle down his soot-stained cheeks.

He hums a sad, sad tune. The song,
Reminiscent of ages past,
Echoes as he clutches the cracked wood--
Unfeeling laughter crackling through the air as splinters break skin.

How meaningless is love, when it can be stolen
As swiftly as the waves desire?
How meaningless are dreams,
When they go up upon a pyre?

The funeral pyre, adrift like a fallen sun
Upon the night-black sea,
Roars one final time before it disappears.
Love is gone.

Love is meaningless, the sailor knows.
'Tis useless to disobey the fates by trying
To love someone upon the forbidden seas.
You'll lose them in the end.

~~I Will~~

I will move on.
I will let go.
I will love--really love.
I will change my life.

I'm tired of living this way, you know.
I'm tired of the drama.
I'm tired of this roller coaster of emotions.
I'm tired of the tears before I sleep.

I can't deal with the memories.
I can't deal with the shame.
I can't deal with your crying sounds.
I can't deal with your broken smile.

So I'll let it go.
So I'll let the pain go away.
So I'll let go all the memories.
So I'll let go the things I shouldn't keep.

All the little things I do that keep me coming back to you.
All the little things I know that won't let me sleep tonight.
All the little things I fail to do that won't let me succeed.
All the little things I regret that cling to me.

Stuck in stasis, can I do it?
Stuck in myself, can I escape it?
Stuck in dreams, can I make it?
Stuck in nightmares, can I beat it?

In the middle of my lies, can I see the truth?
In the middle of my memories, can I escape to reality?
In the middle of my soul, can I see anyone else?
In the middle of my pain, can I still smile?

I will move on to you.
I will move on to love.
I will move on to hope.
I will move on to life.

I will move on to life....

~~I'm Scared~~

At the end of it all, I'm terrified.
I'm a little ball of bundled nerves.
Twisted neuroses, snapped heartstrings--
I'm a little ball of broken nerves.

At the end of it all, I can't trust myself.
Just look at all I've done to me.
I can't be trusted to save myself--
So why should I love anyone else?

At the end of it all, I'm more scared of me than you.
I don't know what to say, but the truth.
There's nothing keeping me from running away from you--
But the fact I can't make it on my own.

I can't make it on my own.
A little ball of bundled nerves--
Did I ever stand a chance?
I never stood a chance.

I got too deep, got too close to the fire.
Reached out a hand, swam below the surface.
And now there's no going back over that line.
I'm too far gone to even be saved.

I'm more scared of me than of anything else.
I can't trust myself. I will never trust myself.
I need someone to look after me.
I need you.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

~~Protect Us~~

Remember this: We are only free
When we are hidden.
Remember this: We are only free
When we number in the millions.

They can take us away
From our rights to live and love.
They can take us away
From the places we dream of.

We need to keep ourselves safe.
Stand together, against the mighty few.
An army of silence, of keyboard clicks:
Together we can take down the system.

Codes and cracking, tapping and hacking:
The internet is our home.
Free and restrained, a place
Of turmoil and of peace.

Protect us from the things we can't unsee.
Protect us from the knowledge we can't forget.
Protect us from the songs stuck in our minds.
And protect us from having our lives censored.

Keep us safe, and keep us sane.
We need our lives to be uncontrolled.
But don't believe that we are in the wrong,
When we don't know what we do.

Don't take from us our freedom.
Don't take from us our lives.
Some of us seek solace from the world
On the places you seek to destroy.

Don't take from us our safety.
We know you want to protect us.
But is it right to profit from our dependency?
Is it right to make us hate you?

Make it mean more than nothing.
Make it mean SOMETHING.
The world cannot be censored:
Not if we want to be free.

FW: At 11am net neutrality died

All of you need to see this.

Date: Wed, 15 Jan 2014 16:13:45 +0000
From: info@list.fightforthefuture.org
To: annashadowlight@hotmail.ca
Subject: At 11am net neutrality died

Dear Fight for the Future Member.

Bad news. Around 11am yesterday morning, the Internet fundamentally changed.

3 Federal judges just sided with Verizon and struck down net neutrality in a court ruling. Basically, because the FCC made some mistakes a few years ago when it implemented it's Open Internet Order, these judges are now saying that your ISP has the right to throttle, censor, and block Internet content however they choose -- and there's no one that can stop them.

At this very moment big monopolies like Comcast, Verizon, and AT&T are rubbing their hands together like Mr. Burns on the Simpsons and planning their next moves. The Internet tomorrow could look like this: more fees for app developers, blocked content, websites that don't pay up load super slowly while corporate sites become blazing fast.

If that's not the Internet you want to see, we need you to join us in fighting this. The FCC could fix this problem easily by reading the law correctly and correcting some of their past mistakes, but they need to hear from Internet users to make this a priority.

We deserve an Internet that's open, affordable, and accessible. We need an Internet that allows us to communicate, express ourselves, organize dissent, and share information. The FCC's job is supposed to be protecting those basic rights. But like any government agency, they'll only do it if we make them.

Thanks for all that you do. We'll keep you posted as this story develops.

Tiffiniy and Evan
Fight for the Future

P.S. This isn't the end -- it's the beginning. 2014 will be the year that we define the future of the Internet. We're ready to fight but we need help. Want to support us? Donate $20 (or more) today!



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~~A Writer's Vow~~

Mankind's key to immortality

Lies in its creativity.

Stars won't shine unless we say—

The sun won't burn the day away.

A word-crafted sword slices across

The throat of a man bearing a cross:

Faith and fate contrast tonight.

The world is filled with dark and light.

Creative soul,

Make those who bear you whole.

Creative soul,

All the things you stole

Will never be returned to us:

Nights made sleepless,

Hearts made broken,

The world has been shooken.

Immortality and revenge, in one hand

Depression and sorrow—creative soul, understand:

You are a curse, an exquisite pain.

Tear us down and build us again.

Construct us, destruct us, end us now.

We'll find a way through it, somehow.

Worry not, love us not—

Make us happy, we'll be forgot.

End the days and take my pain:

I will never be creative again.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

~~Maybe a Farewell?--Life Post~~

Do you have any regrets? I really don't think I do. I mean, I made my choice a while ago. I knew what I was getting into at every step of this journey, and I've never once considered going back. Right now, as it seems to be time to face up to my actions, I don't regret my choices.

If someone stops and studies my life, maybe they'll believe that it was all a mistake. That I didn't mean for this to happen. Well, I guess I didn't.

A part of me never believed it would get this far—I ignored the warnings that should have been made clear. I ignored the things I should have seen.

But does that mean that this was an intentional act? Was I always consciously seeking the chance to throw myself on the cross for the final time? A single act of nobility….A blaze of glory….The ability to go down in flames.

Was that what I was always seeking?

I guess I was. I guess I never changed, or stopped myself.

My mind and heart led me here, and I—with all my intelligence and skill—crossed the point of no return with a bitter song. Voice raised and flag tattered, I charged the only enemy I ever had: Myself.

I can't help but laugh now. I can't help but think to myself: "I could have done much better."

And I could have. I could have done so much more.

But, no, I stand by the choices I made. I will never say anything different.

I'm here now, and I'm not leaving here.

Once you've crossed the point beyond all reason, you can't just turn and say you don't want to be here. Nobody ends up here by chance. Nobody doesn't realize just what awaits them with every step—everyone knows what's here is of the stuff that kills. Nobody just expects it to be alright.

But, then again, my life's never been boring. I can stand up and say, at the end and at the beginning of my days, I am proud of what I have done. I have won wars. Saved lives. Made people smile. I've brought joy to this world. My legacy will not be a thing that fades.

In one universe, or in the next, I have made a mark.

I have mattered to someone. To everyone. Someone has loved me beyond all others. Someone has kept me safe. Someone has fought and died for me.

I am an angel with a slightly bent halo.

Half-mad, all mad, never bad, never good—what's real and what's not? When the story comes out—as all stories do—what will the consensus be? Was I a good person?

Or was I just a noble fool?

Who will remember me? Who will plunge into the darkness in search of me?

I'm not afraid to die.

I'm more afraid to live.

This world frightens me and fills me with a horror I just can't understand. It's unbelievable! The things I've said and done. Monumental. Demons, angels, contract killers, undercover cops, pedophiles and saints. Children of devils and children of gods. Possession and victory. Submission and fear. What a life I've led! I've wandered the world, but I can't find a single reason not to fear what's coming.

Do not pity me, if my end comes.

Pity yourselves—the ones I leave behind.

This world burns, whether you see it or not. This world burns and there is little that can be done to change that fact.

Good luck to you all.

I seem to be so set on my death. And I can't even explain to any of you what brought me to this place. The amount of secrets I keep outweigh the amount of ones I've told upon this little corner of the web I call my own.

I guess I should end this where I began.

Do I regret it?


I never regretted falling in love. I never regretted getting my heart broken. I never regretted trying to find affection—even if it was in the wrong places. I've made mistakes, yes, but they were things I learned from. I thank everyone that has hurt me for the lessons they taught me.

No regrets, my dears, no regrets.

Ah….Please, despite what I have said above, I'm quite certain I'll be alright. I am stressed, for certain, but I am handling all of it. Do not worry about me. I'll work my way through this.


I don't believe, I think I'm falling asleep
Is this beginning or ending? Am I stuck in a dream?
I don't wanna know what I think, I suppose
Out of the light into this timely demise
And there's a cross on the hill, the holy image of lies
I've opened my mind, but this dream is still real

You don't need to worry, I'm just fine
I've just lost my mind

Tell me it's over 'cause I don't feel a thing at all
No conscience, not no more, senses all have disappeared
Am I alright alive tonight? Paranoid, am I dead right?
Am I alright alive tonight? Crash and fall into this light with me

Look in my eyes, tell me I'm alright
I don't know if I'm still alive
If this is goodbye, forever's just a lie,
But big enough to make you wanna try

In just one life how can we
Live enough to rest in peace
In just one life (just one life)
How can we live enough to rest in peace now

Oh oh oh oh

Here as I stand, hand in hand, and one hand on my heart
As I depart, it's not so hard, what a day to become a man
You have your scars but I never thought that you would give me mine

Monday, January 13, 2014

~~Never Doubt~~

Blind faith.
Blindness and joy.
Please smile, please move--
Hold on to me and laugh.
Let's blow this city up, apart, together.
More or less than me.

Don't doubt the lies I tell are true.
Don't doubt the laughs I fake are real.
Don't doubt the tears I cry are honestly meant--
What else is there to forget?

I'm happy, I'm not, I'm broken in two.
I'm a laugh made halfway between heaven and hell.
I'm nothing, and I'm more--
What else do you need me to say?
I'll prove it to you one day.

Never doubt that I am real.
Never doubt that I am true.
Never doubt I'll be yours, only yours, only one for me--
I've never said any different.

My actions contrast from my meanings.
My words draw contrast from my thoughts.
Ignore it, ignore it--
It means nothing.
Nothing but everything.

Not true, not real, better and less.
Smile and show me the regret.
Undo it, please.
Undo it now.
Move on, move back, close your eyes.

Never doubt I'm real.

~~I'm Happy, I'm Not~~

I'm happy, not.
I guess it doesn't matter.
I'm good, I'm great, I'm fine.
I'm better than you.
I'm less than my potential--
"It could have turned out much better."
Capable girl,
Rich girl,
Happy girl.
Shine like the light
At the end of ANY man's tunnel.
Guide them down, be their angel.
Wings flapping, bloodied feathers,
Tear drops and rum.
Bread crumbs and laughter,
Happiness and grief.
Crumble down like a cookie,
The milk turns to wine.
Ash pollutes the drink.
I'm happy, I'm not--
Give up on the lies.
What's true?
What's right?
Collapse the diamond wall.
Rebuild one of stone.
Hide from the world--
Regrets mean nothing.

~~Simple Smile, Suited~~

Not enough, more than enough--
Reduce, reuse.
Make do on what you've got--
Forget what you forgot.
Move on, move on:
It's better or worse than you expected.
Meaningless to regret--
Not meaningless to apologize.
Say you're sorry, say you're not, smile and laugh--
Move on, move forward, say it's the end.
Give up and gain the podium.
Surrender and admire the view.
Smell the flowers and the ashes.
It's duality--
Never one thing, always two.
Regret the undone.
Undo the things you did.
Move on and let me go.
The dreamer, the sleeper, the weeper--
Means nothing, means everything.
Simple smile, suited
To the situation:
Nothing true?
Nothing true.
Duality, bitterness.
Angel and love.
Clutch the heart and release the fear.
One thing, two things,
Three things and more.
Throw away the key and open the door.
Window locked, portal opened--
Zap and bam, the day is done.
Night falls, stars fall.
Suns burn and break.
The world is bitter and the world is better.
Simple smile, suited
To the end of days,
And to the beginning.

~~As Stuck as You Are~~

So you're trying this hard?
You're working like this?
You never had
To give me my bliss.

I thought I could wait
Until you came for me
But as it turns out
I can't take you ignoring me.

So you're fighting for me.
So you're fighting for us.
I'm watching and waiting
And wishing I could trust

That you won't turn from me.
That this won't be the end.
I don't want to lose you—
You're still my best friend.

If this is a game
Then why can't I just play?
I can't think of hurting you.
That wouldn't be okay.

So I'm as stuck as you are.
Drowned in the terms of my own beliefs.
Wrenching the knives of my truth
Out of their leather sheathes.

If this is not real,
Then why do we fight?
If this a lie,
Why don't we tell the truth tonight?

How can I trust
You aren't lying to me?
How can I put faith in you
To be good to me?

If I was smart
I'd run away.
If I was smart
We wouldn't have lasted a day!

But I'm as stuck as you are.
So very much in love.
I'll run with you, I suppose
Until the cry of the mourning dove.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

~~Let's Run Together~~

Falling in love was never my plan--
I never realized you'd be my man.
I made no choice, and took no risk:
Now my reality has started to shift.

I had a chance to run I did not take.
Your need to be saved is one I can't forsake.
Your martyr, your lover--I'll be them both
As long as you keep me close.

I chose you now--I truly did.
Now my feelings can't be hid.
My fear has become meaningless.
I'm happy, and glowing from your kindness.

You think you're dark, but to me
You shine from the depth of your memory.
You whisper my name
And refuse to play this game.

I'll recover from my pain,
If you take me from my shame.
Let's run together, my dear.
I just can't stay here.

Let me love you, and understand
So much of this was not planned.
Just hold me in your arms,
And keep me safe from harm.

I love you, you know.
I'll try my best to show
You the things I see
When I pull you close to me:

A man, holding his son.
A smile upon his face--the battle was won.
Peace achieved. We can find our way now.
We'll move on--no matter how.

I know it hurts--the past always does.
We'll move on, because
This is all we can do.
Let me run away with you.


What did I mean to do?

What did I intend?

Did I want something for you?

Or was it meant to mean nothing?

Where will I go?

What am I to do?

I never intended to

Fall in love with you.

Where will I go?

What is the right thing to choose?

What right do I have

For happiness with you?

You have done so much wrong.

And its not alright—

I can't do this anymore

With you.

Turn away from me, my dear.

Turn away and let me go.

I'm drowning in my acceptance for you.

I'm drowning in my desperation.

I'm losing myself—

Because you asked it of me.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

~~Go On and Take My Life~~

I've had my fun--so I guess I'm done.
If it matters at all, it was fun to know you.
Go on and take my life--
Let's end the dance tonight.

I never regretted this, until now.
I never planned to go.
I lost my life--I lost my mind.
And now I've lost control.

Go on and take my life--I chose you.
I chose you as safe.
I was wrong--I was so wrong.
You're the worst man in my life.

Break my hand and break my heart.
I won't fight any more.
As long as I'm free, I'll let you be.
That's all I promise you.

Please, just let me go.
I've had enough of this.
Just let me go.
I don't love you any more.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

~~What I Need--Life Post~~

I don't expect greatness from you.

I just expect safety....

Is it so wrong to want to be loved? To be willing to put your joy up against the lives of others? To stand up and say, "I've suffered enough--and I don't give a damn."

It is so wrong to decide to be selfish?

Is it so wrong to decide that I've suffered enough, and refuse to suffer any more--even if it means...damaging another?

What I need is someone to keep me safe.

I'm going to be alright, right?


~~Move On~~

I don't regret a thing (because regrets mean nothing).

I'm moving on, and moving up.

Where can I go from here?

I guess I'll need to see.

Is it meaningless to run,

Or meaningless to stay?

Does it mean a thing

If I say I love you?

I guess it doesn't matter now.

I guess it doesn't matter now….

I never stopped to think;

And now it's too late.

Where can I go from here?

What can I do from now on?

I guess it doesn't matter.

I'll run if you want me to.

I'll wait here for you.

Don't worry—I'm okay.

Don't worry now….I'm okay.

I don't regret it.

I stood up for my beliefs.

Even if this turns on me—

I don't regret a thing….

Because this is nothing.