Wednesday, July 31, 2013

~~Why I Blog In the First Place~~

So many times I've questioned
Why I do things like this.
So many times I've pondered
My honesty and pain.
Why do I speak to you?
Why do I share my words?
Why do I act this way?
Well, the answer's simple.
It's how I deal.
It's how I cope with my life.
Without words, I would die.
I'd be forced to face reality.
I'd be forced to actually feel.
I didn't realize that
Until tonight, and now I'm
Questioning my methods.
I also question my method
Of writing in this way.
Strange breaks of
Losses of rhythm
And no rhyme
That somehow
Make sense
In my mind.
What's going on with me?
You think I would know.
You also think I would
That I had lost my readers.
Broken my promise
To post.
But I really don't.
Not any more.
I don't care about
Or being known.
I just want to recover.
I will recover.
I've been making myself
All along.
I should've known all along.
I should've done better.
But I didn't.
And now I must accept
The lost years of life.
I must move on.
Because there's nothing left that can hurt me.....
Nothing left but me.

Monday, July 29, 2013

~~I'm Ready to Get Better....~~

I've always thought it was hopeless
There would be no recovery for me.....
I always thought
I was done
Before I ever began.
I always hated
My family
My friends.
I always blamed
My family
Lost loves
For me.
I always hid behind
Fake smiles
Fake tears
Fake love.
I never
I was broken.
When in fact it was obvious.
The signs were there
If you were
Smart enough
To see.
A look of pure pain
When I let my expression
Cold eyes when
I'm not
Monitoring them.
You'd think someone
Would mention it.
The sleeplessness.
The lashing out.
The hiding.
You'd think they'd ask
If I was
But no, they won't
Ask until
I cry out for help.
I think I'm ready
To get help now.
But....I'm scared. Is it warm
Out there, in the light?
Is there somewhere safe to go?
Is there someone
For me?
Will there be medication
That I can take
To help me live?
Will there be a way
To tell my parents?
How do I ask for help?
A suicide attempt.
A broken heart.
How do I get help?
I really
Need help....
But......Either way.
I'm here to stay.
I'm not alive because
I'm too scared to die.
I'm not alive because
People would be sad if I died.
I'm alive because I want to be.
I want to get better.
I want to live.
I want to love.
I want to laugh.
I won't ever get my innocence back.
I won't ever get my memory back.
But I'm going to get
Back my life.
Forget the pain.
Forget the memories.
I can live again.
I can move on.
I can choose the light.
And I'm going to.
I'm tired of living this way.
I'm tired of caring.
I'm tired of being like this.
It's time I change.
Even if
I'm infertile
I'll go on.
Even if
I'm hurt again
I'll go on.
Even if
I have to lay off caffeine
I'll go on.
Even if
I need to leave people
I'll go on.
Even if
People leave me
I'll go on.
I'm ready to get
There's a life outside of the madness.....
I'll find it....
I'll get better.
I'm getting better.....
There are no tears now.
No need to hurt.
No pain remains.
No feeling.
Eternity awaits.
It will all fade....
The pain will fade.....
The shame will fade....
Memories, too.
They'll go...if I let them.
It's time I let it go.

~~Recovery Lies in Departing~~

Forget me not, little loves.
Forget me not, for I have loved you.
Forget me not, for I am young.
Forget me not, for I am gone.

I thought that I could stay.
I thought that I could love.
I thought that I could give you me.
I thought that I was strong.

But I'm not strong enough to stay.
But I'm not strong enough to care.
But I'm not strong enough to deal.
But I'm not strong enough to love.

If the music's loud, it doesn't hurt.
If the music's loud, I can pretend.
If the music's loud, I can move on.
If the music's loud, I can cry.

I'm sorry for staying away.
I'm sorry for thinking you'd care.
I'm sorry for pretending I was okay.
I'm sorry.