Friday, May 31, 2013

~~In the Shame~~

Surviving the things I have,
You'd think that I'd be used to it.
Swallowing up my dignity
And whispering out for help.
You'd think I'd be used to it.
Being lost, but there's not much to it.
I'm just a kid, and that's alright.....
I'm alright. I'm alright.
Or am I?
Does it actually matter?
I've come this far, done this much.
Seen the way I've lived.
Fought so hard, but I can't breathe....
If I was brave enough
I know I'd heal.
If I was brave enough
I know I could change.
I'll be able to one day--
At least, I hope I will.
It will be a long run.
A very long run...
My life is dark.
My will is good.
I can fight....
I can fight.
There's nothing I won't do.
Nothing I won't say.
If it brings me back to you,
And out of this shame.
Everything I've done.
All the things I've done wrong.
I would die for you.
I'm your Firefly.
I'll shine my light, and guide you out.
I'll flicker and I'll glow,
But I'll keep you okay.
I'm your girl.
Let me marry you.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

~~A "Practical" Angelican Dictionary: Life Post~~

Alright you guys, my personal project will one day be making its way to everyone.

When I say 'one day', I mean....One day. Seriously ONE DAY. It's going to take a long time, but one day the entire Angelican language--and the font required for the characters--will be in your hands.

All free of charge.

Love you guys.

~~Shut Up~~

You say that I'm just a girl?
You say that I don't care?
You say that I am numb?
How dare you, how dare you!
You wouldn't live if not for me.
You wouldn't scream if not for me.
You wouldn't exist if not for me.
Shut up, shut up, shut up--you need me!
You're the one I'll run from.
You're the one I will end.
You're the one I'm fighting now--
So get out of my sight!
I'm just a kid, that much is true.
God knows I say that
As much as you.
But just because I'm young
Doesn't mean
I'm not strong.
I'll be the one to kick your ass.
I'll be the one to burn you down.
Back off, you don't want to fight
Someone who's lost it all!
I'm not the one who will fall.
I'm not the one who will end.
I'm not the one who will give in.
I am the one who will win.
Back off, shut up--you're not me.
Madness, dark one--you're not me.
I am so much more than you.
I'm in control, not you.
I've had you here my whole life.
Sure we've danced, but that's not right.
We'll never dance again, this game is done!
Shut up darkness, let me be.
I'm a kid, and this is me.
I am beautiful and I am amazing.
I don't care what you say--I've earned
A right to peace!
And peace is not what I'll get
If I let you take me down.
So please understand me when I say:
I don't need you any more!
I've gotten so far now, so much more than you.
I've lived my life without you.
I don't need you. You're not my strength.
To put it simply, you're not me!
I'm everything, and you are nothing.
Understand that, and be quiet.
I will watch you burn.
I will win.

~~Fall Within~~

Are you ready to burn?
Are you ready to fight?
You've been avoiding it.
You've been pretending
It doesn't matter....
But I know you can hear me.
I know you're listening to me.
I know you know I'm here.
It's not like I ever left you....
I'm your Madness--your deeper sin!
Every bit of you that you hate
Rests within me....
I know you hear me.
False Angel, 'perfect girl'--
How much of a lie is that?
Broken girl.
Weak girl.
Cheating girl.
Childish girl.
Lying girl.
You're just a girl.
No one special....
You're just a girl, and I
I am you.
I am your darkness. I'm right here;
Waiting for you, my love.
Don't wait any more--you know
You want to see me again.
Let me hold you...
Let me love you....
I'm the one that will love you....
Even as you burn....
Even as you die....
I will NEVER let you go.
I know how much
You love to hear that.
So afraid.
You're so afraid of failure.
You don't trust anyone
Not to leave you, do you?
You don't believe
That they'll forgive you?
You don't believe
That they'll understand?
I think it's time
You admit that they don't matter.
You're just numb, and that's
Exactly how I like you.
My darling little fool.
Love me, accept me, understand me.....
I'll be the only one
Who will never go.
I'll be the only one
You can rely on
When your world burns.
So fall with me....
My hand's held out to you.
You're so close to me, my love....
Take my hand.

~~For Me~~

Selfless all my life
Not able to say no;
Dozens of little lies
Just to keep up
A good show.
Giving it all just
To make another smile;
God knows I can't take this.
No, I couldn't take this
For a while.
I think it's time I rest.
I think it's time I recover.
There's places I must be.
People I must see.
It's time I take some time
To breathe.
All these things I've done....
These battles lost and won....
Don't you think it's time
I took some time to live?
Haven't I made you proud?
Haven't I done enough for you?
I've been trying oh-so-hard
I've been falling for you
I know I've made mistakes
But doesn't that just mean
We're okay?
I'm human....
I am human....
And I need a break.
I need my time to breathe.
My love.....
It's time I live for me.
It all comes down
To loving myself.
It all comes down
To loving me.
It all comes down
To valuing myself.
Self worth is what I need.
I want to get better.....
I want to get well....
I want to love....
I want to be happy.....
I want to be beautiful....
I want to be yours.....
I'll be okay.
I'll be okay....
I love you.
I need to love me.

~~Ah, the Fates~~

Ah, my life
How trustworthy and reliable
A pattern to be followed
A trend to be broken
A handful of friends
A broken batch of trust
Ah, how understandable
How usual it is
If only I could shatter it
Break out, and flee
Cheerfully and darkly
Burn it, burn it all
Consign the past to the flame
As I burn myself
Run flame across my skin
Cry out in agony, and peace
In delight and in cold
Forget it, and move on
My life, how glorious
Is my life
As the fates dance and mock
As I mock them
As I burn
How glorious, how glorious!
How glorious it is
To burn
To burn as the night falls
Burn as the day ends
Burn as the world finishes
And speaks to me:
"Young one, you dance
"Young one, you burn
"Young one, your life
"Is done."
How wondrous it would be
If I could end
But I cannot.
I must fight to be proud
Must fight to love
Must fight until I can rest
My goal's in sight, and I
As always
Remain my only obstacle.
I will find my way
To peace
No matter what the Fates
Demand of me.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013


Sometimes, out of boredom
I become easily amused
Cat ears, collar with a bell
Blogging in class
Webcomics and things
This is what my life is like
Casual, amusing
Or simply boring
Right now, I'm just doing what I want.
What are y'all up to? Paying attention in class?
Probably not...
I'm definitely not
Substitute in English today
Why bother paying much attention
When very little matters?
Dearest loves, how are you?
Hugo's around today
Good. I won't be bored
Well....He is going to go and eat lamb
This really isn't a poem any more.

Monday, May 27, 2013


Alright guys, I'd like y'all to follow a link for me. You know me--I usually have the fancy colored text that you can click on, but unfortunately I'm in school right now, Youtube is blocked, and so is Youtube. So HERE! Or maybe..... [here!](‎)

Alright dudes, I've got no clue if that worked or not but have at it!

Well, dudes, that song there is currently the one thing that keeps my mind working right now. Keeps me able to function. Anime North was absolutely incredible, but the transition back to normal is kinda kicking my ass. Tonight, though, Imma play some Blaz Blue and hopefully keep working on that blog post for y'all. And also for myself--I want to remember that amazing weekend.

I saw Slenderman hug Jesus, ya bastards.

Okay, so I basically didn't bother doing the math work and right now Raphael has me practising writing in Angelican. Long, slow process....But worth it. I'm starting to recognize some of the symbols. It's an alphabet, with a set of prefixes and suffixes that act as--in the case of prefixes--adjectives/adverbs, and--in the case of suffixes--part of a title. The grammar has the same laws as English, which makes things a heck of a lot easier. Basically, if you want a word in Angelican, just write out the English word using Angelican symbols.

When I can, I'll upload a basic dictionary. Yes, there are actually several terms/words in Angelican that aren't just the English word. For example, the word Shaxevrexa in Angelican is the Higher Term for a variety of things--Hell, Death, Darkness, Sin, Hatred, Annihilation....

Okay, what I'll do is I'll find a notebook and start doing these translations daily, upload the English poem and a photo of the Angelica one, and that'll be that.

It's going to take a loooong time...

Here's what he's making me do today:


One small seed
One drop of rain
One storm
One disease

One stroke of luck
One bitter scream
One tear drop
One blood bond

Two skies
Two doors
Two fates
Two deaths

One, one only
One unique seedling
One world of choice
No meaning

Well, I'll show that to y'all later. I'm going to go home....

See you!

Sunday, May 26, 2013

~~Anime North: HOLY HELL~~




How do I..even begin this post? This was just..ridiculous. It doesn't feel real. It cannot have been real.

Okay, so let's start off by breaking this thing off into sections: Pre-Anime North, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Post-Anime North.

What this post will be is just...memories and descriptions of everything that has happened to just try and capture the scope of my very first event at Anime North. It amazing. So, if you're not interested in the happy stuff and just read my blog for the drama, then this ain't the post for you.

Welcome to my happiness.

By the way, most of this might not be finished tonight. I am really tired.


I absolutely adore her, but Sun-Jung and I cannot plan. We don't do that well. So, the day before--this was Thursday, by the way--we agreed we would leave school right after second period. Second period is math, and that ends at 10:40. And the opening ceremony was at 4 o'clock. It's a four-hour drive. So, we DID end up getting there early but oh my god it was marvellous.

Okay, well the night of Thursday ((strange way of saying that, I know, but I'm still so out of it that I really don't care any more so SUCK IT I HAVE CAT EARS ON)) and I needed to hear back from my girl about leaving school early tomorrow. And she didn't call me back. Or email me back. Or text me back. And you KNOW me, guys, I worry. I worry a lot. Well, she DID call back like..eventually, and she had freaked out because she saw ME freaking out and didn't know why but it was okay because hey she had talked to her parents and it was all cool.

Okay, and then it was bedtime and I was so insanely awake all night. I sucked at sleeping. It really was a long night....I was so excited!!!!!

And then it was the day of. I went in the base of my cosplay--black button down short, grey pants, and black three inch heeled boots. I also had black leather gloves on, and I had a shiny orange-ish scarf tucked into my shirt...I looked like a gentleman, actually. Well....Yeah, posts of my cosplay will arrive..sometime, yeah. I'm too tired to care right now.

Okay, well.....And then it was the end of class and we went driving.

The entire four hour drive was like..a dream. We were planning and talking and oh my god you have no idea what to expect. You don't know what will happen. You don't know how. You don't...know. It's just SO HUGE!!!!

And then...


The opening ceremony.

We eventually found our way there just by following the cosplayers. And there were so many cosplayers. Just so many cosplayers. So many people from different animes--and there was millions of Homestuck characters, holy fudge god--and the opening ceremony was in a truly huge room in the Double Tree Hotel. Most of the events were either at Double Tree Hotel or at the Toronto Congress Centre, and they were across the street from each other so it was like really nice. The opening ceremony room was a truly massive auditorium with a stage at the far end, and massive chandeliers. It was so crowded that Sun-Jung and I--who got there pretty early actually--didn't even get seats. But that was actually pretty okay. We didn't stay for the entire time--we saw the opening act which was traditional Japanese drummers.

They played a set of three songs, and I'm trying to find their name right now...I can't remember who they were! But they were incredibly cool.

And then it was the introductions. We found the girl with the most adorable voice ever--her name was Eriko Nakamura She was so freaking adorable! The first time she spoke, there was absolute silence and then a collective "AWWWWWWWWW!" I just wanted to hug her so much....

There was J. Michael Tatum--who voiced Sebastian from the English version of Black Butler. Okay. EVERYONE just flipped out over him! Screams and laughs and ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMG he's awesome!

It was just amazing.

He was so...much hotter than I thought he would be. Google him! DOO EEEEEEEEETTT NAAAAAOOOO!



Of course there were other people like John Swasey and yada yada yada but we got like..really bored. So then we left and ended up catching the last fifteen minutes of a Les Miserables panel. It was really cool! There was around four people running it and around twenty people in the audience and they all just ended up singing. They sang One Day More, On My Own, and I more song? Oh god, it was amazing! V from V for Vendetta actually was dragged up there and sang with them. When they did On My Own, V went down on his knees like he was insanely sad and people patted his head...D'awww it was so cute!


Thursday, May 23, 2013

~~On Mortality~~

You would be shocked
At how little the world matters
As you watch it burn.
At how little regret
You feel
For ending it all.
You would be shocked
If you could listen close enough
To hear the mad, mad
Pervading the air
As it escapes the souls
Of those who know
Just what they've done.
If you could see
What I could
If you could hear
The world scream
Then you, too, would wonder
Why this?
Why life?
Why continue on
When nothing is your reward?
Why fight, when all
The world

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

~~One Word~~

One word, one myth
One scar, one weakness
One thing to take me down
One thing to make me hurt
One light to chase
One light to blind
One darkness to fall in to
One darkness to give in to
One dream to wake from
One dream to long for
One wish to whisper
One wish to cry for
One thing
One four letter word:

Love, such a beauty
Love, such a good thing
So strong, so wondrous
Save me, please
Let me experience it
Let me chase it
You must let it go
You can't feel it
No, I can! Shut up
You're useless. I'm strong
I'm strong
No you're not.
I am.
You're just you--you don't deserve this
You're right.
I don't deserve to suffer
To be looked after, and kept safe
I don't deserve to be so weak
Weakness? Do you think you
Could actually be strong?
After everything?
Of course I can be strong.
I can stand on my own.
I WILL stand on my own.
I will earn pride in myself.
No more noble words
To mask weakness.


Please….Forgive me now

I'm burning

Please….Forgive me now

I swear I'm learning

Please, don't abandon me now

I'll make you proud!

I'll make it worth it!

Don't…suffer for me

Don't hurt for me


I know I'm broken

But that's no excuse

I'm strong, and that is all

I need to know

I need to be strong

I need to be good

I need to fight this

Or I will never win

I'm broken now, so please

Understand me…..

I love you.

I need you.

I can't control this any more

I can't handle this any more

I can't do this any more

I can't….

Forgive me!

I will

Don't worry….

I'll give you all of me

If you will have me….

You love me

I need to remember….

I need to remember

That you love me….

I need to stop forgetting

I need to stop fading

I need to stop hiding

I love you

That's all I need to know

That's all I need….

I'm sorry.

I need to be strong—

I WILL be strong

I adore you

I'll be okay

I need you….

Don't forget me now

Don't give up on me now

Please….I promise you

I will make you proud

I'll listen and I'll grow

Just don't leave me alone….

Give me something to chase

Give me something to fight

I need to know

That there's a reason

I need to know

That you will wait for me.

Please….Wait for me.

Please love me.

I'll make it worth it.

~~I WILL Be Proud~~

Ashamed no more, I must
Stand tall if I am to survive.
Broken down, and relying on many
For strength I ought to have myself--
That behavior can no longer be allowed.
Hurting Ian is not my best option;
Neither is hurting me.
He has suffered for me, and now
It is my turn to take the burden.
Heal, love, I'll be here
I'll be better when you return.
Heal, love, I'll watch for you
I'll be fine. I'll make you proud.
I'll make ME proud.
I have a long road, but I see the shore;
I can't swim, but there's a crossroad.
No more scars that can't be cleaned
No more scars that are my fault
No more.
I stand up now, and I'll be strong.
Ian....I do this for you.
I do this for me.
Maybe one day....
No...Not 'maybe.'
I WILL see you again.
I promise you that.
Just promise me you'll be strong when you come back....
Promise me we'll have learned.
Promise me....
I promise you I'll change
I promise I will keep you.
I promise I will earn you.
Please, come to me.
I adore thee.
I WILL deserve you....My love.

~~Okay. I'm an Idiot.--Life Post~~



I'm an idiot.

This really sucks.


I don't deserve you yet. I'm not ready for you.

I'm sorry.

I'm an idiot.

I should've known you were suffering. I should have known I was hurting you. I should have known. I should have been better. It sucks. It really sucks.

But I'm going to get better, okay? I WILL make you proud. No more noble words. No more weakness. It's going to hurt, but it's time I change.

It's high time I learn to swim.

I love you.

Monday, May 20, 2013

~~Confession: Poem and Post~~

Love....I don't know it
It's dark and soft--right?
It's..chains and whips
Domination and submission
No, no that's not it
Love...What is it?
I don't understand it
Is it sacrifice?
Is it pain?
Well, if it's pain
Then I feel it a lot
If it's sacrifice....
Then I don't know
I don't know.

Ian, it's....Time I was level with you. World, it's time I did the same.

I'm....I've been weak.

I've leaned on Ian for far too long. Leaned on my friends. I was weak. I took advantage.

Now...Now I can't do that.

Alright, so....I need to learn how to be alone again. Be self-sufficient again. Remember he's hurting just as much as me. Be less selfish. Paint myself into the role of a victim less.



We have big words.

We have little words.

What we DO NOT have is an actual PLAN.

To quote Ian's immortal phrase: Stop and think.

I'll do whatever it takes to get you back and to fix my life. I'll run to you Ian....Just you wait.

Just you wait...

I'll make you proud.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

~~Is It Sad?~~

Was I a fluke?
Looking at the internet today
So many girls
Who do what I did
They handle it fine--
Why didn't I?
Was I a fluke?
Was I a freak?
I can't find enjoyment
In being enjoyed by others
What part of me
Is different from them?
What part of me
Keeps me from being that?
What part of me
Is more sensitive than them?
I don't understand it
I can't comprehend it
Why does my world change?
Why does the rain burn?
Why do I keep asking
Questions I can't answer?
Why am I alone?
Why am I with him?
Why do....
Is it sad
That I can't breathe
When right now
I have everything
I could ever need?
Why am I so cold?
Why am I this?
There's no answer
And there never will be
Answers aren't what we need:
We need reasons
A cause to fight for
A wrong to right
We need to do something
We need to live.

~~It's Okay~~

We the lonely, together we burn
We the cold, together we are warm
We are broken, but together we are whole

I know that things are dark
And, personally, I can't survive it
But this will only be a moment

A pause, before eternity
A deep breath, before the jump
A bit of trust, before the ring

We'll survive, dearheart
We will be better
We will be stronger

Though the distance is great
Though I'm not strong
Though we both have little time

We will be together
Together, we will be
We will be together

I adore you, oh my wonderful one
My darling, my love
Please, do me the honor of marrying me

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

~~Acrostic Continued~~


I wish I could say

How unique you are, by saying
Everything I knew you would:
"Alex, you're amazing. You make me
"Really proud of you
"Don't underestimate yourself!"

I wish I could say
That I haven't heard it before

All the things you say, I heard it all before
Let me go; sometimes it hurts to know how much
Love there is for me.


Interestingly enough, I do feel alive
Never really understood my issues
Somehow, though, I feel alright
Inside me, there's still life
Deep down, where no one goes, is where
Enchanted gates keep the numbness locked away

Mirages of life flicker from in the gates
Yet, I'll never open them

Somehow I know, that if I did
On the day that I did
Understanding of the world would flicker away
Letting the darkness back in

If that ever occurred, I'd never live
Sealed away for good, but how

Attractive a fate that is at times

Death, beautiful and cold. Flowing
Over me like flame and fire and ice
Opening my  eyes and leaving them open as
Reason flashes away

Taking me away with it
Old scars fading before bleeding once more

Doubt boiling and blasting, before disappearing
In a flash of brilliant light
Sin and sadism, my new vocations
Activities I'll always follow
Personal thoughts and
Personal space no longer matter, as
Even as I die inside
All inhibitions dissipate and allow
Reality and fears to fade
Inside, I'll be free, but
Never doubt there will always be
Guilt for leaving you behind


Lovers, bitter and beautiful
Understanding, cold and gentle
No; let not those two mix
Agony is all we ought to know--
Crashes and flashes of madness are all we have
Yearning for better, unbitter, days


Glorious love, glorious light
Into you I fade away
Victory right before me
Eternity awaiting us

My heart and soul heal and mend
East-bound wind warm our frozen hearts

Yearning hearts, clasped and bound, become
One as the night slowly gives way to day
Under a brilliant red dawn, let us dance
Race across mountains, hand in hand

Love and tenderness are finally found
In each other, we find peace
Grace and gentleness float from heart to
Heart, as we finally find out the
Truth: We were meant to be.


Darkness inside, the world gives no mercy
Eternity of agony, always fading
Shadows dance and crawl, before suddenly
Ethereal light begins to shimmer on the horizon
Rays of sun soon break through shadow
'Venturous hearts soon travel once more
Into the dawn, they walk and meet together
Names and words leap from lips
Glory begins to show, as healing begins.


Soon, soon we'll find each
Other on the horizon
Meeting will occur, and all the maybe's fade
Every bit of doubt disappear
Hope, so often a burden, be rewarded
Obscenities often uttered, removed from vocabulary
Wondrous eyes meeting

Wandering hearts
Each and every bit of pain fading onto the distant

Horizon; joy and light
Accepting us into their number
Peace flooding within, as
Peace is revenged
Eternity awaits
Never letting the other go
Even though there's pain
Death won't keep us apart


But, I know we'll see each other
Again quite soon
Bitterness and distance won't keep me from
You, the one I know I love. I

Opened my heart to you, and let you see the
Hope that's kept me going so long

Broken shards of me, you
Accept them and piece them
Back together, whole once more
Yesterday's feelings fade away

I just miss you a lot, is all

Maybe's, in their numbers, don't go easily
I know I shouldn't doubt, but yet
So many of these other voices won't
Shush and leave me be

You understand, don't you? How hard it is to go
On when there's nothing certain?
Understand how I feel? Of course you do....It's you.

~~Acrostic Assortment~~


Beautiful, beautiful bitterness
Righteous suicide, addictive tears: Flow
Over me and drown me
Keep me locked inside my sorrow
End my life with your beautiful knife
Never let me go; never let me go!

No, no I want to be free!
Open the door and let me run!

My heart and soul: I sacrificed them at your
Orders given, so long ago. Please let me
Right this wrong, let me
Enter the world again.....


Love, I'm sick of you
End this bitter game
Tempt me no more, release my brain

My heart is broken now. It's not
Easily repaired, so

Let me go, I scream
I can't let you in
Viciously I'll escape
Ending up alone....


I know it's hard to say

Maybe harder to see, but
I am doing fine
God knows I've been through worse
Here and now, it's not hell
There's some light now

Broken still, but I know
Maybe one day, I'll heal

Open up my heart again
Keep myself alive
And then I will find my way to
You, my one and only love.


Save me, now I scream
I can't let this happen
Make the world fade away
Please, just take me away
Let me go, and let me run. Don't
End up leaving me alone
Realize I can't go on my own

Take me with you, we need it
I deserve you, I deserve
My good times, my happy times
Easier days and happier nights
Save me from this hell, I need you now....


Bitterness is alright
Ending up alone is not
Ancient agonies have to fade
Understanding is all you need
Take away the darkness, replace
It with shining light
Fill me up inside
Undermine my idiocies
Let me live, and let me love

~~Let Me Love~~

Hurt inside ((I'm sick of this))
I'll stand tall ((I can't do this))
I am brave ((Never been so scared))
I can make it ((Make it where?)

Make those doubts disappear
Make those hearts stop aching
Make those souls recreate
Make me love, make me
Make me love for once

I am strong ((I'm too hurt))
I am amazing ((I'm just me))
I deserve this ((What have I done?))
I am me ((I'm just a fake))

Make those lies disappear
Make me feel better
Make my tears dry
Make me smile, make me
Make me smile truly for once

I'm alright ((I can't breathe))
I'm not alone ((I'm so lonely))
I'm with him ((He's so far away))
I know what I'm doing ((I don't know a thing))

Make me know what's right
Make me believe your words
Make me know this is real
Make me believe I do love
I do love, I do love you....

~~Confusion Central: Life Post~~

Ah, hello dearhearts! I believe it's time for a quick--and I do mean quick; I don't have that long to do this--story.

Well, loves, if you've been following me since the beginning you'd remember a guy by the name of Joseph. Yes, the guy who my stalker/enemy Beth always talks to; the racist, homophobic, sexist, and heavily Christian guy I used to have a crush on back in grade nine and turned me down.

Well, last night he sat beside me on the bus and told me this: "I actually...did like you. I was just too scared of getting hurt again to tell you."


I got over him a good long time ago. And I've been ignoring him quite successfully for about a year and a half now. And now he tells me?

Now, when things with Ian hurt so much, but by the gods they're worth it?

Now, when I'm finally managing to do well?

Now, when I least want someone around?

Okay, well my delightful readers, I regretfully didn't turn him down automatically. I wanted to be nice. Nice is bad. Nice is really bad. By "didn't turn him down" I mean I didn't tell him to go to hell. So we talked a bit last night on the bus, and he said he had been depressed for the past two years and really regretting what had happened between us. Well, I got home and then forgot to talk to Ian about it.

I was hugely missing Ian last night and I was scared and oh-so-sad, because he wasn't there and he was always napping when all I ever want to do when I get home is talk to him....And then I thought for a bit about breaking up but then NO, no no no I can't even think about that....But then things got better because we Skyped and played UNO and now we're okay. I just needed to see him to blast all the doubt away. He does need to be around more....But, hey, he's out of school in about three weeks so...we'll be able to talk more before I travel. It'll be okay.

Um, well back to Joseph!

This morning, he sat down on the bus beside me and he gave me fake flowers; he said he couldn't find any real ones in the garden.

I want to make a very sad point: I dated Ted for a year, and he never once gave me flowers. I know he doesn't have the money for it, but...COME ON DUDE! Anyways.....It just sucks. So, the first flowers I ever get are from someone I haven't spoken to in years and no longer like? A guy who, logically, should absolutely hate me?


Do you hate me, life?

Do you really hate me that much that you would do this?

I'm definitely not going to go out with Joseph. I might be lonely, and I might desperately be needing touch and comfort and someone here, but I am NOT THAT DESPERATE.

I just...GAH!

I don't know what I'm doing!

I don't want to be mean to him, because unfortunately I pity the dude.

Yeah....The world hates me.

I'm so tired of this....

Ian, baby, when you read this....

I love you.

Just....Hug me super-tight, okay? Please?

I can't do this alone....

And now, I gotta run loves. I'll try to post more later on in the day, but if not, I'll see all you darlings tomorrow morning.

Bye, oh my beautiful ones!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

~~It Was Worth It~~

I'm scared and I'm afraid
I'm dead and it's all a lie
I'm alone and no one's there
Even though I hear their voices
No hands reach back to mine

I'm scared and I'm crying
I'm dead and I'm screaming
I'm alone're there
I can hear your voice
And your hand is in mine

I'm scared and you're holding me
I'm dead and you're kissing me
I'm alone and never alone again
I can hold you close
I can feel alive with you

It was worth it, by the gods
All the screams and all the pain
It was worth it, I can't believe it
All the darkness and all the hell
It was truly worth it

I know I've suffered, but now I'm here
I know I've died, but here I'm alive
I know I've wept, but you dry my tears
I know I've lied, but you make me true
I know I've feared, but you keep me safe

Even though the journey's been long
Even though I regret so much
You make me proud to say I'm here
You make me proud to be who I am
You make me happy, to have come so far

Even though I can't rest yet
One day, soon, we can sleep
In each other's arms, finally at peace
We will rest, we will be safe
And all of our pain

Every inch of our paths
Every final drop of our tears
Every bit of ash
Every drop of rain
Every scar

It will be worth it
It's worth it now
To be able to say I've found you
Stumbling and scrambling
Desperate and diseased

I've finally come home
Home to where you wait
Video games and tea
Dark chocolate and red pepper
Warm hugs, and soft kisses

Thank you for being there
Thank you for letting me in
I'm proud of where we are
I'm proud of who you are
I'm proud of us

So broken, but yet so alive
Mercy, mercy, others would have died
Mercy, mercy--we need none
Stronger together, we are made
Invincible by our bond

Unending, infinity, eternity
Endlessly, I'll wait. Endlessly, I'll love
I'll let you in, I swear I will
Just keep me safe, and I'll give you the key
Let's live together, travel together....Let's go.

~~You Aren't Mine~~

Don't say you love me
Don't say you need me
Don't hold me close
Don't tell me you'll never go

As beautiful as your promises are
They'll hurt me; I know they will
Even though, with you, I feel safe
That doesn't mean I won't regret it later

I don't want love, please
I have the man I need
I don't want that much care, please
I've got the one I need

Please, don't whisper to me
Don't pull me into your arms
As much as you find solace in me
I'm not your girl

Friendship is all we'll have
Please, remember that when I curl into you
Please, don't let me get close
I can't be hurt again

I know I'm so beautiful
I know I'm so perfect
I know I'm so kind
I know I'm so fun to cuddle

But I also know I'm dying inside
I also know I'm scared
I also know it hurts at night
When I'm on my own

I know I reach to you
And let me take hold of you, please
But I need you to never
Hurt me....I can't be hurt again

I'm just a child, no matter
What I've gone through
I'm still five years younger
No matter how old I act

Please, take care of me
Treat me with intelligence, and don't
Fall for me; for if you do
I'll be hurt, and I can't let that happen

This will be the last time
I will ever be hurt
This will be the last time
I will ever get close

 I can't trust any more; your intentions
I know they are good
But I still can't trust you, still can't let
You where I let him walk

I can't let you touch
The secret part of me
I can't let you past
The wall that's always there

I can't let you go
Where he belongs
I can't let you in; into
Into my heart....

~~I Might (Not) Leave~~

I'm not sure how much longer
I can stand it here
I'm not sure how much more
I can really take

I want so bad to stay
But there's too much loneliness
I want so bad to tough it out
But I ain't that strong

I want to be stronger
To make this last
But I don't think I can even try
To stay longer than I have

But, no, that's wrong
I can make it, right?
No one is stronger than me
No one is better than me

I can tough it out
I can make it through the night
There's an end, there's a brightness
There's something to chase

I can make it through the nightmares
I can make it through the haze
I can let it burn me down
For I'll just get back up

I won't die, and I won't give in
That's how I've been living for so long
I'm not going to give up
Just because of heartache

It's not the end
It's not goodbye
I'm not leaving
I'm right here, until I die

Don't worry, and don't you fear
I am staying right here
I'll give you my word if it helps:
I'm here until I die

Sure, things will be hard
And sure we'll grow up
Sure there will be doubts
But it'll be worth it in the end

I won't regret it
I won't examine it
It is what it is
And it's real

My friends, hold on to me
You know how much I hurt
My loves, take care of me
You know how hard it is

Don't abandon me now
Just because I doubt
Don't abandon me now
Because I need you with me

I'm far gone, but I'll
Be on my way back soon
I just need to breathe
I just need to breathe.....

~~Where Have You Been?~~

How far have you wandered?
Where have you gone?
Have you tried to sleep?
Have you ever tried to rest?

Where have you been heading?
How far are you getting there?
You look tired, please do
Come on in and get some tea

I know you're hurt, please don't le
Come here, let me stitch your wounds
I never thought I'd see you again
Somehow fitting, to see you dripping blood

No, please don't go
You're forgiven, did I even have to say?
Here, sit down please
I want to see if you're alright....

~~Bitter Beauty~~

Let me tear it apart
Let me make it cry
Let me set it on fire
Let me shatter it
Let me kill it

Let me love you, my beauty
Let me love you, my bitterness
Let me love you, my murderer
Let me love you, my angel
Let me love you, my heart

Let me be happy, darling one
Let me be happy, my best friend
Let me be happy, my protector
Let me be happy, my lover
Let me be happy, my creator

I'll do whatever you desire
If you make me be happy
I'll do whatever you want
When you tell me to
I'll do whatever it takes

To make me feel alive
I want to feel alive
I want to be okay
I want to be happy
I want to love....

~~Don't You Dare~~

Don't you dare feel that I don't love you
Because, even though right now I'm cold
And oh so old
I do truly love you, somewhere
Somewhere in my heart

Somewhere in my heart, there's
A shot of real gold
Somewhere that's still real
After everything I've suffered for
There's my reward

There's the part of me that loves you
That can let you in
The part that screams and howls
And will one day win
Win over the part that forces me away

The secret shame and all the fear
The demons that won't go
My darker side, my lonely side
The part I know you know
The part I know you accept

One day, that part will be gone
I'll be made real in your arms
But, until then, the gold
Will be torn in two
And I will be afraid

I will be so afraid
Of making you hurt, making a mistake
Making you go away--you know that
Don't you? You feel it
Don't you, my love?

Even though I know it's foolish
I'm still so scared
Even though I know it's wrong
I am still so scared
I can't even think of losing you

But I just wish I could feel the love more
On these days when I die inside
And I can't find my way home
When there is no going back
There is no going back.....

Well, I suppose I must answer
I must decide upon my definition of love
What is it to me? What do I care about?
Is love what I feel for you?
Smiling like an idiot or laughing like a fool

Wearing a ring every day to remember
That I'm not alone
Whispering your name
Crying out your name
Remembering your name

Dreaming of you
Is that love? If so, then why
Can't it over take me every moment?
Why can't it tear away my sadness?
Why am I still so cold?

If that's love, then why
Isn't it all encompassing?
Isn't it supposed to be that way?
What's wrong with me?
Is anything wrong with me?

I don't know, but I guess
That this is alright, I can survive
I can love you until the day I die
But only if that's what matters to me....
I love you baby.....

~~Normal Days, Darker Haze~~

Everything seems to drift away
As hard as I cling to you
I feel you pull away
As hard as I try
I feel myself push you away

I cling to you, cling to myself
Try to recall what I've been fighting for
Try to remember just what mattered
In the days when it doesn't matter
When it doesn't matter at all

I push myself down and stamp out
Every thought of leaving you behind
I whine and I whimper, trying not
To let the worry take over my mind
But it's far too late

I don't know why I'm so numb
I don't know why I'm so scared
I try so hard, but you're not really there
You feel so much that I can't share
And it's killing me inside

Even though my life has lessened
Even though my pain has gone
I still hide and I still scream
For the more that I relax
The more I'll fall at night

I don't want you to think that
I don't love you as much as I say
I don't want you to feel that
I am lying to you again
I want you to know

That I'm trying so damn hard
To make it out alive
I'm trying so damn hard
To let you in to where I can't shine
I'm trying to break down my walls

But every step that I take
Just makes me hurt more and more
But every movement that I make
Makes me worry that I'll regret it
But if love is blind

Then so am I
I'll love you til I die, and I
Will make it seem that we are true
I will love you til I die
And baby it's all for you

I don't care if it makes me hurt
I don't care if it makes me sad
I just want to love you
Until the day I die, so won't you
Keep me by your side?

Broken, but beautiful
Struggling, but oh so free?
Hurt and broken, but just wanting
To be your girl
Please, let me marry you....

Even as I fade, won't you
Keep me close by your side?
Won't you kiss me, tell me you love me?
Won't you make it all seem right?
I know you will....I know you will.....