Monday, December 16, 2013

~~You Could've~~

You could have done
So much for me.
You could have
Made me forgive you.
You could have kept
My anger from rising.
You could have done
So much better for me!
Get out of my sight....
Get out of my sight!
You could've made me love you.
But not tonight!
Get out of my sight.
I loved you once--
What more do you want from me?
I loved you once--
I won't prove that any more!
Get out of my sight....
I don't want to see your smile.
Get out of my sight...
I never stopped loving you...
Please, pretty please....
Get out of my sight.
Leave me alone!
I can't love you any more...
You could have kept me in your arms.
But you didn't.
You made me hate you.

~~Slip It Through~~

It doesn't need to hurt.
It doesn't need to bleed.
Hold on tight and let
Me bring you to your knees.
Love me tonight.
Love me tomorrow.
Slip it through the hole
And stitch me together....
I'll bleed for you.
I'll scream for you.
Bring me to my knees--
I'll die for you.
Slip it through the hole,
And pull it tight.
Stitch me together
In any shape you'd like.
Make me your darkened dreamer.
I'll be your ragdoll lover.
Slip it through the hole.
Slip it through the slivers.
Slip it through the scars.
Slip it through the tears.
I'll be your ragdoll lover--
Emotionless and unable to fight.
I'll be your ragdoll lover--
Just pull the string tight.
Pull on my leash.
Strap on my collar.
Pull the rope through the hole
And make it burn.
I'll be your ragdoll lover--
Just bring me to my knees.
Just bring me to my knees....

~~You Frustrate Me~~

I'm tired of you, ya hear?
I'm tired of your bullshit friendship.
I'm tired of your judging eyes.
I'm tired of everything I do
Not being good enough.
I'm tired of you never treating me right.

I'm tired of your gorgeous eyes.
I'm tired of loving you.
I'm tired of your smile.
I'm tired of trying so hard
To please someone who won't love me.
I'm tired of you being straight.

I'm tired of pretending it's okay.
I'm tired of never getting a gift.
I'm tired of never being appreciated.
I'm tired of never being listened to
When all I want to do is love you.
I'm tired of being alone.

I'm tired of not one single present.
I'm tired of you never trying.
I'm tired of your excuses.
I'm tired of you skating by
Because I love you.
I'm tired of you never figuring it out.

I'm tired of you in general.
I'm tired of saying you're my best friend.
I'm tired of being your friend.
I'm tired of saying
That I don't care about being appreciated.
I'm tired of losing so much for you.

I'm tired of always wanting to see you.
I'm tired of hoping for your voice.
I'm tired of wishing you would listen.
I'm tired of wishing you would see
The amount of things I do for you.
I'm tired of loving you.

Friday, December 13, 2013


Unless I awaken
From dreamless sleep
I will fall.
Understand me
When I say,
"I'm not here."
Undue indecency
Will make you
Embrace, embrace
The things
You can't know.
Trust and believe.
Be blind.
Be blind to it.
To the pain and to the reality
Of your life.
If you
You will fall.
Listen, please!
Listen to me, my love.
Don't drown within yourself.
From your dreamless sleep.
From reality.
There is something more--
Pull the trigger.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

~~Long Distance~~

How many times have
I played this game?
How many promises have I made?
How many things
Did I do
That dragged me back here?
A clutching hand.
A broken smile.
Silent bits of hope and pain.
A distant dream,
Drifting down the stream.
Loss and pain--
Pull me back again.
Addicted to the distance.
Drowning in the poetry.
Singing in the rain.
Drown me in you again.
Drenched in your tears,
A sorrowful girl
Dances alone
Beneath the flashing
Colored stars
Upon the hardwood stage.
Stay with me.
What will be done
To you?
What will be done
To me?
Long distance....
Long distance....
Will you always
Keep me close?
One day I'll run to you.
Keeping you at arm's length...
One day....
One day!
Love me


The blog is not deceased.
The blog seems to remain.
Sorrow, sorrow--what
Makes it the same?
Tomorrow, tomorrow--why
Does it still remain?

Will there be more?
Will there be less?
Will the blog go on?
Will it go on past today?
Broken girl and smiling face--
Why do you remain?

I suppose there will be more.
I suppose it will go on.
Why should it leave
When it causes no harm
And hope can now be found?
Hope can now be found....

I'll be fine.
I think I found love.
I think there's hope now,; well
There really always was.
In my darkest times,
Did I ever let go of hope?

I'll stand by you
In my loneliness and goodbyes.
I'll be there for you
In my pains and farewells.
Don't think I will ever go,
As I rely on you.

Lovely readers, thank you kind.
You've eased my troubled mind.
Occasional words and gestures of hope.
Kindness and moving on.
Silent watchers at my melodramatic play,
An audience to applaud my every deed.

Friday, November 22, 2013


Hold still.
Close your eyes.
Hold still....
Don't turn away.
Don't stay away.
Hold me....
Please, just hold me.
I need you here. I need you.
Broken girl,;
A broken girl.
Dark dyed hair and golden eyes.
Will you smile at me?
Will you make me feel good?
I love you.
I still love you.
In the depths
Of my pain.....
You were the one to pull me out.
You were the one to keep me safe!
You were....
You were the one I loved.
You were the one who saved me.
Hold me close.
Hold me together.
I'm slipping....
I'm slipping away from you.
I'm screaming apologies
But you won't listen.
I'm trying to decide
But you don't care.
I hurt you so.
I know you won't forgive.
I know you won't forgive....
Forgive me.
Please. Hold me and keep me safe.
Hold me and keep me close.
With selfish hands, I'm reaching out
To pull you down
With me.

~~I Want to Drown~~

Drown me now, please
Pull me down, please
Wash away my sins
Wash away my soul
Drown me now, please
Drown me in my sins
I loved you once
I love you still
I don't know how
And I never will
Push me away
I'll push you away
I'll drown you in my tears
And in my laughter
Break me in two
Snap me in two
There for you
Don't forget me now
Stand tall and marry me
Beautiful one
Oh my beautiful one
Why are you drowning me?
Why are you pinning me?
Why are you hurting me?
Why are you keeping me here?
Push me away
And pull me away
I don't want this any more
I don't want to be hurt
I left you first
I made it worse
I deserve everything
You say to me.
Break me, please.
Break me.
I want
In you
Because you are the ocean.....
And I'm good at drowning.....
I'm good....


Perhaps there's a dream
Perhaps there's reality
But I can't tell
Which is which
My mind is slipping
My soul is sliding--
Where will I rest my head
At night?
Perhaps there's a love
Perhaps there's a truth
But I can't tell
What is real
Sliding from me
And sliding from you
Touch me now and be
My beautiful one
I'm losing it all
I'm losing myself
I'm losing my mind, oh my beautiful one
Stay with me, please
Perhaps I can save you
Perhaps I can make it
Your while
Perhaps it is true
And perhaps it is not
But I just know that
There's a chance
Of it being real
Of it being true
I wish I knew myself.....
Perhaps I do
And perhaps I don't....
Perhaps it's a dream
Of loving you.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

~~(No) More: Life Post~~

D'ya wanna know something, my dears? Why, of course you do--elsewise, why would you come here to this little place of knowledge and hidden secrets? Secrets that...truly ought to have been kept, methinks, if a life is to be had. I've said too much. It hurts too much to keep these silly things so very OPEN.

My dears, this blog is once more to be shut down. It is to be made into a wordpress blog (I apologize, Blogger, but you are blocked at school....) and I shall resume my stories there. I will have a handful of posts be sent to the Blogger blog still. There is a chance that this site will remain up, but I have many choices to make.

I have certainly said too much.

I need to make a site not at all associated with me.

My poems will be found there, as will updates from the Mansion.

The new blog will be made available to search engines, and any and all updates found there on my personal life will be done in code. It will no longer have mentions of my past. If it does, it will be vague.

What will be the fate of both Regaining Wings and Normalcy is Relative?

If they are not removed from the interwebs entirely, they will be made unavailable to search engines. The direct links will be the only way to get to these blogs.

Or I could decide I hate Wordpress and try to come up with another idea.

Fare thee well.

~~Merry Dreamer~~

Mercy, merry me
Mercy, marry me
Joyous light
Dying light
Fade away
Fall away
Save me.
Marry me.
Merry dreamer,
Laugh away.
Marry me, dearest
Dreamer of dreams.
Join with me.
A long, broken dance
Love me. Love me.
I will dance with you.

~~More or Less~~

Slip closer to me.
Slip closed the curtain.
Close your eyes.
I'm more or less fine.

Let's dream away.
All our troubles go away.
Slide from me.
I do not dream, more or less.

Hold me close.
Darling one.
I'll be yours.
You're more or less mine.

Let's stay close.
Let's press close.
Whisper my name.
It's more or less a game.

Stay with me now.
Stay, and be strong.
Beautiful one,
I love you more or less.

I'm not exactly sure.
I'm not exactly real.
We're close enough to happiness.
We're more or less real.

Love me now,
Love me less.
Keep me close, my dearest.
I'll be here forever--more or less.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

~~Sneeze: Life Post~~

I have gotten sick.

I am unhappy.

And I am sick.

I don't want to be sick.

How are you?

I'm okay.

I have a headache.

It feels weird.

I don't know what to do.

I just want to go home.

Friday, November 8, 2013

~~Icing My Hand with Iced Coffee: Life Post~~

I feel extraordinarily Canadian. I'm using iced coffee to ice my wrist. It's helping, actually.

My hand hurts a lot today. I forgot my bandage last night on the bus, and so today it is quite sore. I also overworked it on Wednesday, and I am still paying for that. I am trying to be a lot more gentle on my hand today, so I am trying to get used to typing one handed.


  • Ian and I broke up Wednesday night
  • I'm not sure who I am with. Likely single
  • Hugo and I are talking again
  • I'm trying to avoid Joseph
  • My left thumb is also kicking the bucket--I jammed it a few years ago and it was never fixed
  • I should really study more
  • I'm tired
  • My eyes are tinting gold. HINT: They always go gold when I'm having a mental breakdown

I'm doing okay, considering everything going on....

I love you, guys.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

~~Not By Choice~~

I'm not in school by choice.
I'm not a submissive by choice.
I'm not this hurt by (conscious) choice.

What have we done
That we've meant to do?
What was our intention?

I didn't mean to be here.
I didn't mean to let you go.
I didn't mean to, but I still did.

The forgotten dreams--
Show me what it means!
Show me you meant to be here.

Prove to me this was your choice.
Prove to me you wanted this.
Prove to me you intended this.

You're not here by choice.
You're just as lost as us.
You're an accidental bit of pain.

Welcome to the game.
Welcome to the problems you created.
Welcome to what you meant to do.

~~This is My Revenge~~

Shut up and learn:
I'm not your quiet girl.
I won't stand for this treatment
That you inflict on me
Day after day.
Shut up and realize that,
Even though I play the victim,
I'll never be your whore.
I'll never bow down to you.
Smile and pretend I love you.
Make sure it's okay.
This is my revenge--
My own sick and twisted game.
Shut up and believe me
When I say
That it is all true.
Let me pretend
It's real.
Let me fool you into
Loving me.
This is my revenge
On the entire fucking world.
Tearing down what others build.
Burning every bridge beneath your feet.
One day I'll be
Ending this war.
One day I'll be
Ending my life.
One day I'll make
My entire fucking world go on
Without me, as if I
Had never been at all!
This is my revenge
Against me.
This is my own revenge.

~~Playing the Victim~~

Will you
Do this
For me?
Will you
Turn me away?
Make me stop
The victim,
And make me
Stand up
And mean it?
Admit that it's me
That did this
Asked for every
Of pain.
Made myself
Because I flourish
In misery.
And flourish
I do.
I grow so strong
When it
I can't
I'm leading you
On. My broken, sweet
You're not
The one
I love.
My savior
Is not you.
Of depression
And giver
Of lectures--
It is you
I love.
While I play
The victim,
You play no games
With me.
So let me
Love you.
So change
My ways.
I have always
Been less strong
Than you.
My dearest--
Don't let
Me play
The victim

~~Until Your Heart is Still~~

Turn away from me

Leave me behind

Turn away from my twisted smile

I can never be kind

I loved you once

I'll love you again

I loved you when it was okay

But now I don't know when

It will be okay

I'm fighting to make it so

It will be okay when all of it is over

Peace, I will know

I'm fighting for you

I'm fighting for me

I'm fighting for your loving smile

As I turn your back on me

Let me go, my dearest one

Let me go tonight

Let me go, my true love

This can never be right

Walk away from me

Walk away right now

Walk away from me, and erase all traces

Of the girl you used to know

It's not worth the fight

Not if it's you who's fighting

It's not worth the war you're waging

It's my job to keep you going

I'll stand by your side

If you don't stay with me

I'll stand by your side if you never hide

Your meaningless agony

Hold my hand and tear me in two

Be the one I really need

Hold my hand and hold me tight

I'll be there when you bleed

I'll be the one to make you bleed

So torn up and so unsure

I'll be the one to save your life

My head's spinning in a circle

Love me, oh god, just love me

I can't go on alone

Love me, oh please, forgive me

I can't go on without the only love I've ever known

Keep me safe, I'll keep you hurting

Keep me safe, I'll keep you alive

Keep me safe, I'll keep you with me

Keep me safe, I'll show you how to hide

Torn up and confused

I'll show you what I mean

Torn up and drowning inside

With my tears, I'll wash you clean

I'll undo my every misdeed

I'll wipe my slate clean

I'll undo every mistake I've made

If you will understand what I mean

When I say I love you

And I always will

When I say I love you

And will love you 'til your heart is still.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

~~Hand Issues: Life Post~~

I, my dearest ones, have become worried about my right hand. After a long, long life online I may have developed some sincere bodily issues. Anyone surprised? Certainly not me.

Well, yesterday I was priming a board to do a painting and my hand was causing me sincere pain. I am quite terrified of this fact, but…

I don't think I'll do a single thing to fix it. I'm not the kind of person to do that….

I definitely won't give up all the things I want to do.

But I will definitely be worried. Right now, it feels a bit stiff and somehow shaky. Not a good sign at all….

National Novel Writing Month is coming. I really can't risk my hand, so I don't know what I'm going to do. My thumbs are going, too, from all the texting I do.

Do I do NaNoWriMo?

Or do I try and save my hand?

Oh, god, I have to chase that wordcount down....

I have no other choice.

Friday, October 25, 2013

~~Less Title, More Poem~~

Creativity is being drained
Mentality is being drained
I think I'm slipping past
The edge where I used to be

My mind is being drained
My heart is being drained
I think I'm drifting off
Into a dreamless sleep

I think I'm sliding
I think I'm drowning
I think I'm going away
I think I'm sliding now

Will you save my life?
Will you save my heart?
Will you keep me safe?
Will you keep me alive?

I don't know what to call myself
I don't know what to call this poem
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to feel

Less title, more poem
Less heart, more belief
Find something to believe
Find something to know.

Thursday, October 24, 2013


Bring me your energies
Bring me your pain
Bring me your glory
And bring me your demise.

Bring me your tenderness
Bring me your love
Bring me your agony
And bring me the knife.

I will smile if you laugh at me
I will smile if you run from me
I will smile if you turn from me
And I will smile if you cry

Bring me your lies
Bring me your truths
Bring me your dreams
And bring me to die

I will smile if you take my hand
I will smile if you kiss me
I will smile if you pull me close
And I will smile if you believe my lie

I will smile if you bleed out
I will smile if you pass on
I will smile if you love me
And I will smile if you hate me.

~~Poor Little Girl of Just Sixteen~~

Little girl of just sixteen

Just sixteen

Just sixteen

What has happened to your dream?

What did the men do

To your dream

When they tore you at your seams?

What did I do

To your dream

When you called out

"It's not what it seems"?

Little girl of just sixteen

Just sixteen

Just sixteen

What has happened

Since you were just fourteen

Just fourteen?

What did puberty do

To your dream?

To your dream?

Little girl of just sixteen

What did I do to your dream?

What did the men do to your dream?

Little girl of just sixteen

Sad little girl of just sixteen

Broken girl of just sixteen

What did you do to your dream?

When you grew up, what happened

To your dream?

Poor little girl of just sixteen.

Why are you turning from your dream?

Why is it not your dream?

Can't you stitch closed the seams?

Little girl of just sixteen

Won't you fight for your dream?

Your dream was good, little girl

Little girl of just sixteen

It was worth chasing, little girl

Little girl

Little girl

It was worth fighting for, little girl

Of just sixteen

Poor little girl of just sixteen

Just sixteen

Just sixteen….

Ever since you were fourteen

You haven't been a little girl

With a chance to chase her dream.


I'll bow to you again.
I'll reach out my hand
And beg
To be washed clean.
I'll bow to you again.
Speak your name, and speak
A promise I can't mean.
Make a deal I can't fulfil.
Out of guilt
I'll fall for you.
Out of guilt
I'll take your life.
Out of guilt I'll turn away
As you scream my name
On your darkest night.
Out of guilt I'll run to you
On your brightest day
And drag you down with me.
Out of guilt I'll ruin you;
All the while
Promising I love you.
Give your soul to me.
Out of guilt I'll keep you safe,
Locked up right here
With me.
Out of guilt I'll trade
Your life for mine.
Wash my body clean
With your blood.
Out of guilt I'll erase you
From the books of history.
Out of guilt I'll burn you
Upon a pyre,
And sing your praises
To the sky.
I'll sing your praises
To the remorseless

~~Okay, That's Fine~~

Figure out a way to cope
Look at yourself.
Figure out a way to breathe
Look at the world.

A part of you can hurt,
Another part of you can fail.
But just believe in yourself
And find another way to breathe.

Breathe with me
Drink with me

Trust me, it's fine.
Just trust me, it's okay.
I'm not half dead just yet,
But I'll get close one day.

You want to end yourself?
Okay, that's fine.
You want to end the world?
Okay, that's fine.

Just tell me when you're going.
Just tell me when the sun
Burns. Just tell me when
And it will be okay.

All of us can hurt.
All of us can fail.
But can all of us
Find another way to cope?

Or will we drown
In the middle of nowhere?
Or will we drown
On our doorstep?

Will we lose it all
In the night
Or in
The day?

The sun can grow
And the sun can shine.
The moon can change
And the tides can swirl.

The winds can cry
And the bats can scream,
As long as you know
You're okay.

You want to get away
From it all?
Then find a way
To cope.

I understand
If you want to die;
But please
Find a way to cope.

Don't turn away from me
Without warning.
Don't burn the world
Without trying to save it.

Don't end it all
Without letting
It begin. Please...
Find a way to cope with me.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

~~For Better~~

I'm not willing
To surrender anymore.
I'm not willing
To give anything away.
I'm not willing
To make my life
Change for the worse--
It's time I got the better.
I don't care
If I can't have one
Without the other;
I don't care
If I should be strong enough
To take this.
I want the better now.
I want the better now....
But the rational part of me,
The loving part of me,
The noble part of me,
Tells me I need to stay.
I need to stay and trust
It will....It will get better.
I know it could take years,
But I've gotta believe.
But I'm willing to wait.
I hope I am, at least....
I want the better,

But can I take the worse, too?
Can I take the worse,

Or will I run
To the easy?
I don't want to run to the easy.
I want the better,
But I want the better
With the one I know I love.
I don't want to take the chances
On another
When everything I am....
When everything I am
Just wants
To keep
Trying for the better
While fighting through the worse.


Cling to stability
Cling to normalcy
I know you're slipping, but cling
Cling to the wall
Cling to the edge
Don't go. Oh god, I know
You're slipping more and more....
You're slipping out the broken door
I know you're slipping, but please
Slip your way right back here
Slip your way right back to my side
I know. I know.....
I know
I know.

Friday, October 18, 2013

~~When in Doubt: Advice and Ramble Post~~

When in doubt, make people laugh.

No matter how bad it gets, make people laugh. If you don't know an answer on a quiz, even though you've studied for it, come up with the funniest answer possible. Chances are, you'll still get it wrong, but then you'll come off as funny instead of lacking in intelligence. You might not get out of trouble, but make 'em laugh.

If you're shy, make someone laugh. Any way you can. Handle it with laughter. If you've got an accent, you're clumsy, or anything like that--just make them laugh.

You'll do fine, loves. Just make them laugh.

It took me a long time to figure that out. Many, many years of sadness and being bullied.

Don't take as long to realize it as I did, my loves.

~~You Know What Happened, Right?~~

You know what happened, right?

You know I got the guy?

You know I finally won.

You know I ended up finding someone

Truly, truly amazing.

You know I said something

To someone bad

That might get me in trouble.

You know I love Ian,

Despite all the distance.

You know I've changed my life;

Blocked all those who might hurt me.

You know I regret

Some of the people I left.

You know I still love

This darling little blog.

You know I fell in love

With those I should not.

You know I broke the hearts

Of those who said

They loved me.

You know I came close

To losing a very good friend

To death.

You know Emil survived

Despite all odds.

You know that I met a guy

At the Dare to Stand Out conference

And spoke with him for hours on end.

You know I came very close to kissing him.

You know my life is strange.

You know I'm stressed.

You know I'm scared.

You know I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I swear—I'm okay!

Trust me.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

~~Let's Stay Locked in Black~~

Whether it's in mourning,
Or, in anger;
Let's stay locked in black.
Let's stay locked in darkness.
Let's stay locked in peace.
Colors only distract
From the smiles we all share.
Colors only show
The dripping tears.
Colors only make us believe
We're better off
Than we are.
Colors only make us thing
We're better off
Than the worst off.
Let's stay locked in black,
My slippery little friend.
Let's stay locked in our own pain,
And make the night rain

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


The fact is:
You can't believe a word.
The fact is:
There is nothing that is true.

I know it hurts
But it's all lies
I know it hurts
But nothing here is real

Sometimes it seems
Like it's too fantastic
Sometimes it seems
Like it's too good to be true

And maybe it is
And maybe it is

I won't presume
To know the truth
I won't presume
To tell the truth

I say what I believe
I believe what I say
I say what I believe
You need to hear

DISCLAIMER: I'm caught in a huge web of lies. I'm stressed and I don't know what to believe any more. I'm trying to unravel it. I should be okay....I should be okay.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

~~Never Said Hello (or Goodbye)~~

You left me here alone
(But you never were by my side)
You were my friend
(But your touch was never known)

You passed away
(I never had you)
I can't forget you
(But there's so much I never knew)

Monday, October 7, 2013

~~It IS Worth It~~

It can seem
It can feel
It can be

But I promise
It won't last

You can drown
In grief.
You can lose
You can fade

But I promise
There is a reason
Behind every pain.

You can scream
You can break
You  can end
It all.

But I promise
There will be
A fresh start.

You can give up
And fall.

But I promise
You can get up
Once more.

I know it hurts.

I know it hurts.

I promise
It's going
To hurt.....

But I promise you
It will
Be worth it in the end.

~~Monday is NOT My Day: Life Post~~

I'm sitting in a computer lab in a university library. I have literally nothing that I can do right now. I am tired, anxious, and miffed. I have NOT had a good morning, and it is only Monday. To make things worse, I have a massively busy week coming up. Dear god. I'm not ready for this.

Well, I guess I ought to find something to do. I guess that would likely be to catch y'all up on everything I have been up to this past while.

What HAVE I been up to?

First off, I've been spending a bit too much time on Omegle. It isn't exactly my best idea, I know, but I still enjoy being on Omegle. Not the video version, of course. I just go on the text version. I've met a handful of interesting people, but no one of any real import.

Second, I'm pretty sure I'm slipping. A few relapses have occurred lately. Yes, I do hate myself for it. Yes, I do know that I do not need to do the things I do. I know I don't. But....It's not like I can stop it.

I do not know what to do with my life. I am scared and I know I shouldn't be scared. I know I have people I can rely on; but I don't want to. I don't want to rely on any of them.

School's been going alright. Good enough grades. Interesting subjects. Cool people.

Take today, for example. I'm at_____ Library for the entire day so I can do research for my Internal Assessment project in IB History. Okay, well....That means it's a really big, really important essay.

I'm doing mine, naturalich, on the treatment of the LGBT throughout history. Or, at least, something to do with that.

I'm looking forward to learning a lot. I do love learning....

My life is doing well enough. Ian and I are doing quite well. I love him very much. I'm playing Borderlands II with Kayvenn. I'm having random chats with Emil. I had a rather good sleepover with my girls.

However, there is--as per usual--hardship. One of the girls I know is jealous of me for always being the center of attention, and for OWNING weird. My hair, my style, my dress, my mind--I own weird. I'm brave and I stand out. She does not. She is NORMAL. I am, by no means, normal.

So, she does her best to insult me and to put me down. I have, on several occasions, lost my temper with her. I don't effing care about what she thinks.

I am so very tired, guys. My mind....I didn't get enough sleep last night. I was trapped awake with some people I knew. I need to clean up my Skype contact list.....And now.

Hey, loves? Whatcha up to?

Have all of you been okay?

I know basically none of you will answer this, but I want y'all to know that I do think about you guys. That I wish I was around more. I know I haven't...spoken to any of you in quite some time. I apologize for that.

Most of my life....

Most of my life is never going to be normal. I will continually have things I worry about. I will continually have hardships and pain. I will never know real peace.

However, I seriously doubt I would have it any other way. I thrive in misery and drama. I feel pain better than I feel joy. Depression is more familiar to me than love.

I will be happy and content with whatever life throws. I will never be broken. I will never be owned.

I will never fade away.

I am wonderful.

Here's a quote for you lovely people. It's from the song The Grey by Icon for Hire.

You tell me:
In your deepest pain
In your weakest hour
In your darkest night
You are lovely.

You are lovely. My loves, you are lovely.

I don't care how bad it gets....

I don't care how much it hurts....

I promise you: It is going to hurt. You are going to hurt.

But it WILL be worth it.

I promise you.

It WILL fade one day.

You WILL find the meaning behind the seemingly meaningless suffering.

And, my loves? Through it all, you will be lovely.

You are lovely.

Stay strong. I'll be right there by your side.

You will find the light one day.

And....You will never be alone.

Never forget that you are loved. Never forget that there is a reason. Never forget that, no matter how bad it gets, you are lovely and you are loved.

I love you all, forever and always.

Monday, September 16, 2013

~~It Should Hurt Less~~

The pain should decrease
(At least that's what you said)
It should get easier
(That's what you promised me)

We're still distant, but it's okay
(I wish I could believe that)
It's going to get better
(I know that. It has to)

I love you so much
(I wish I knew what to do)
You're a wonderful man
(Too bad you aren't here)

Darling, I'll give you anything
(There's nothing more I can give)
What you give me is enough
(But I promise it still hurts)

Stay with me
(I would die without you)
I'll forever be with you
(I promised you that)

It will hurt less
(I love it when it hurts)
You make me so happy
(When it doesn't feel like it's killing me....)

I will fight for you
(It's hurting me so much)
I won't give up on us
(I don't know what else to do.)

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

~~Still Works~~

I know it sucks
I know it hurts
But, hey, it still works
The world is dark
It still hurts
But my mind is fine
I'm still sane,
I'm still going strong.
I know it hurts.
I know it hurts....
I promise it's going to hurt.
But it works...
It always works.
Just stay strong,
Smile and breathe.
Make it work....
Fake it till it works....
Make it good....
Come on, just make it good.
It'll work.
I promise it'll work,
Even though I know it will hurt.
Make it through
Stay true to you.
Cling to the dreams
That race through your mind....
I know they'll fade
But for now
Just make them work.
Don't question your methods
Don't ask why.
That's just asking to die.
Move on and make it go.
Move on and let it go.
Just make it work.
Please, just make it work.
Will be okay
If you just
Make it work.
Smile and fake it
Smile and move on...
Smile and take it
Smile and make it work.
Broken one
Maybe you
Will make it work....
Just believe
That faking it
Still works.

Monday, September 9, 2013


We don't exist

We don't really exist.

It's a broken world

It's not here.

Let us go,

Let us be.

I want to get out--

But this is all.

Which way out

Or which way in?

Is it a simulated dream?

Or a broken thing?

~~I am Alive: Catching Up Post~~

Hello again, dearest ones!

I know, it has been a long time, was it not?

Dearest ones, I apologize.

First, I will make a quick list...

1. I went on a four-week trip at the start of summer. Paris, France. Bacharach, Germany. Brussels, Belgium. Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

2. The trip went incredibly well.

3. Summer was relaxing. Minecraft was a lot of fun. Oh, if you want to get your Facebook filled with my Minecraft world, add TheMansion PlaysMinecraft.

4. I'm back at school now. It seems to be going pretty well, actually. I like all my courses, even though it will be a bit difficult.

5. Joseph is still head over heels for me, and is dreaming about me.

6. The Mansion is working on leaving everyone for now.

7. I am tired.

That's a very brief overview. More might be covered later on.

For now, I'm in history class.

Love you.


Was this place abandoned?
Was it left?
It is unknown, undecided.
Was it discontinued?
Was the gap between then and now
Too large to bridge?
Was I silent for too long?
What occurred?
A victory, or defeat?
I will not
Leave you to wonder:
This blog

Thursday, August 1, 2013

~~Not Yours~~

You don't own me.
You don't want me.
Pretend as much
As your ego can stand--
I won't be yours.
I'll play into your ego.
I'll make you smile.
I'll play into your delusions.
I'll make you forget:
I don't give a damn about you.
If you knew me,
Like you said you did,
You would expect this behaviour from me.

You would expect

To push you away.
Hell, you'd be glad
When I pushed you away.
You don't want to deal
With someone who just might
Do what's smart for once....
But intelligence isn't listed
As one of my strong points.
And so you'll assume I'll stay.
And so you'll assume I'll smile....
Smile when you take yourself away.
Smile when you realize you were a fool.
Smile when you realize--
I never cared at all.
Master, Master
Back away.
Master, Master,
I'm not yours.
Turn away and accept it.
No matter how
Strong you are.
No matter how
Narcissistic you are.
You won't get near me.
I belong to another--
So accept it
And move on.
I'm not yours.
I'm his.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

~~Why I Blog In the First Place~~

So many times I've questioned
Why I do things like this.
So many times I've pondered
My honesty and pain.
Why do I speak to you?
Why do I share my words?
Why do I act this way?
Well, the answer's simple.
It's how I deal.
It's how I cope with my life.
Without words, I would die.
I'd be forced to face reality.
I'd be forced to actually feel.
I didn't realize that
Until tonight, and now I'm
Questioning my methods.
I also question my method
Of writing in this way.
Strange breaks of
Losses of rhythm
And no rhyme
That somehow
Make sense
In my mind.
What's going on with me?
You think I would know.
You also think I would
That I had lost my readers.
Broken my promise
To post.
But I really don't.
Not any more.
I don't care about
Or being known.
I just want to recover.
I will recover.
I've been making myself
All along.
I should've known all along.
I should've done better.
But I didn't.
And now I must accept
The lost years of life.
I must move on.
Because there's nothing left that can hurt me.....
Nothing left but me.

Monday, July 29, 2013

~~I'm Ready to Get Better....~~

I've always thought it was hopeless
There would be no recovery for me.....
I always thought
I was done
Before I ever began.
I always hated
My family
My friends.
I always blamed
My family
Lost loves
For me.
I always hid behind
Fake smiles
Fake tears
Fake love.
I never
I was broken.
When in fact it was obvious.
The signs were there
If you were
Smart enough
To see.
A look of pure pain
When I let my expression
Cold eyes when
I'm not
Monitoring them.
You'd think someone
Would mention it.
The sleeplessness.
The lashing out.
The hiding.
You'd think they'd ask
If I was
But no, they won't
Ask until
I cry out for help.
I think I'm ready
To get help now.
But....I'm scared. Is it warm
Out there, in the light?
Is there somewhere safe to go?
Is there someone
For me?
Will there be medication
That I can take
To help me live?
Will there be a way
To tell my parents?
How do I ask for help?
A suicide attempt.
A broken heart.
How do I get help?
I really
Need help....
But......Either way.
I'm here to stay.
I'm not alive because
I'm too scared to die.
I'm not alive because
People would be sad if I died.
I'm alive because I want to be.
I want to get better.
I want to live.
I want to love.
I want to laugh.
I won't ever get my innocence back.
I won't ever get my memory back.
But I'm going to get
Back my life.
Forget the pain.
Forget the memories.
I can live again.
I can move on.
I can choose the light.
And I'm going to.
I'm tired of living this way.
I'm tired of caring.
I'm tired of being like this.
It's time I change.
Even if
I'm infertile
I'll go on.
Even if
I'm hurt again
I'll go on.
Even if
I have to lay off caffeine
I'll go on.
Even if
I need to leave people
I'll go on.
Even if
People leave me
I'll go on.
I'm ready to get
There's a life outside of the madness.....
I'll find it....
I'll get better.
I'm getting better.....
There are no tears now.
No need to hurt.
No pain remains.
No feeling.
Eternity awaits.
It will all fade....
The pain will fade.....
The shame will fade....
Memories, too.
They'll go...if I let them.
It's time I let it go.