Sunday, December 23, 2012

~~Am I Not Supposed to be Happy?: Life Post~~

Hey there, yes it's me.


The girl who seems to be so incredibly broken.

So beautifully shattered.

So beautiful outside as in.

"Ye, my love is most beautiful, when she cries."

Someone I used to know wrote that....

About me.

Am I not supposed to be happy with what my life is?

Am I not supposed to have dry eyes and never stop smiling?

Am I not supposed to feel lucky and blessed for all the good in my life?

Right now I'm anything but.

And you may ask why this is, why I'm crying so hard as the hour gets so close to two am, why I'm breaking.

When I have such a good life.

When I've gone across the entire world.

When I'm so perfect.

Why can someone who brings so much light into others be so broken herself?

It's simple.

It's love....

Love that keeps fucking breaking me.

Such a treasured emotion.

So sweet until you realize it's poison.

Poison for me especially...

I don't even know why I keep trying for it when it's hurt me so much already....

I'm just glad I'm not alone.

~~Please Don't Worry~~

Please don't worry about me
As the tears slide down my face
Please don't fear for my life
As I whisper I'm not okay
Please don't let me see
That you're afraid for me
Because I'm taking all my strength
From the love of those who know me
Can't you see how desperate I am
To see hope in your eyes?
Can't you tell how much I need
For someone to be stronger than me?
I need someone I can break on
Who is stable enough to keep
Me from tumbling into my past
And the world I pray to abandon
Please don't worry
Not in a way that I can notice
Please don't cry
Because I will cry too
I don't presume to know
What kind of thing is plaguing me
But I'm glad I can't remember my dreams
For I wake up with tears
In my eyes
Is this pain left over
From all the broken hearts
And inner shame
And hatred
I have carried for too long?
Is this pain left over
From being abandoned
So many times
By those who promised to stay?
Is this pain left over
From the ones who sought
To keep me strong
But only broke me in the end?
What is this pain from?
I need to know, so I know
What brings me down in the end....

~~In All Honesty~~

I woke up today
Thinking I'd be okay
Maybe today would be good for once?
But now I just feel like a dunce
Anger again, and coffee addiction
Pain in my legs, a common affliction
Yet another bad day
Can't I just be okay?
Frustration boils like a kettle
And again I show my anger's mettle
I can't handle this today
And I don't even want to play
I don't want to touch Minecraft, which is so good
My home, when nothing else for me is good
So I guess I'm here again
Struggling to write when
All I can do is struggle not to cry
If only I knew why
Why it's becoming a struggle to eat
And I ache at every heartbeat
Why my temper flares at the slightest notion
Of condemnation
Why I can't sleep without fear
Of something evil being here
If only I could understand
What the gods have planned
But instead I can only pray
That I can recover one day
Regain the innocence I lost
So long ago; and at any cost
I will pay to get back the joy
Of living life, like a child with a toy
I hope to god one day I will
Be able to regain my former will
To live and breathe, own a book store
When all I can think is "Nevermore."
Nevermore can I take this pain
Nevermore can I undergo this suffering
I can't take this right now
And I just don't know how
I'm going to ever be okay
Even if I lived forever and a day.

~~Where Do I Find My Light?~~

Trapped in darkness, this angel weeps
Wishing for the one she knows is asleep
The one inside her who is strong
Who can take away her pain, and make
This broken halo a circle again

"Where do I find my light?" She asks quietly
Knowing no one will answer her
Those who love her know this not
But she can't take this any more, her chances for survival
Have been shot

She looks in the heart of the Glowstone
The one she can't bear to darken
For he shines, and she must
Pay lip service to returning the love
He has sworn to her

She looks into the words of the Silent Man
Finding comfort in what he speaks
But darken him with her pain?
No, not when she's fighting
To brighten him again

Who does she have to speak to?
Her closest family within her mind
They are shattered and in mourning
And oh so weak
To their angel they can barely speak

Where does she run to?
She runs to the night
Praying for the company of those
Whose company she used to keep
Wishing for their timid words

The words that had moulded her
And made her so good and brave
Even while they shattered her
The girl, the one they loved
Who they sought to save

This poem is written in third person
So the broken angel can avoid
The truth she's trying to face:
That she is alone in this world
Glowstone her sun, and the Silent Man her comfort.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

~~Hello Again: Introduction Post~~

Hello, everyone.

My name is Alexandra.

I'm fifteen, in high school, and I've been hurt a lot more than I should be.

Now, my old blog--found at this link--is about the past year or so of my life.

I left it because I need a new start.

And this is my new start.

Now, I would give you an overview of the hell I have gone through, but that would make the memories come back....

If I reference my past, I'll include an overview of what occurred and when.


Good, because I am, or at least I am trying to be....

I've had a long life for someone of only fifteen.